This is my first year observing the Wheel of the Year. I'm a solitary practitioner so I have only been doing research and reading on my own. I'm sure you've probably seen me around this past year asking questions about integrating my husband's eclectic Christian beliefs with my own earth pagan beliefs. I don't believe in a god or goddess (yet), so that kind of simplifies things. I believe in the energies of the earth and the energies around us. I wonder though, if I had someone who taught me about the gods and goddesses, if I would believe then. Being so isolated in my learning, I suppose it's hard to find that connection and easy to become overwhelmed by it all.
I guess I feel lost and alone in this. I have only one other friend in real life who's beliefs are even close to mine and she's only begun searching for her path with no definite wisdom to share yet. I wish that I didn't have to spend hours and hours researching and finding something that fits with one holiday. I feel so behind in so many ways. My soul and heart want to celebrate these festivals, but my head doesn't know how. I try to celebrate them in my own way but I want to dig deeper, find more. How? I don't know.
When I was little, I heard a CD called Sons of Somerled. It made my heart race and my body buzz with this elated feeling of passion for a land I'd never really learned about or heard much about. I didn't grow up with any kind of music like that, any kind of history lessons. I grew up with 70's and 80's music. Never was anything like that ever introduced to me before. After that I started reading everything I could get my hands on about the Celts, Celtic traditions, Gaelic, Scotland, music, history, everything. I read about the Scottish highlands and I found that I had to make myself breathe. My soul was alive and I couldn't understand why. All I knew is that I had to find out more! more! more! To this day I feel this connection that is so strong. And I don't understand it. I keep thinking reincarnation, connection to past lives, something. All I know is that when I practice and celebrate and participate in these beliefs and traditions, I feel complete. But to finish that feeling of completeness, I need to find what exactly I believe and how to practice it.
My husband is very supportive of me and my choice of path, wanting to share in it even though he doesn't believe. His point is that I celebrate his holidays with the kids and him so it should be vice versa and I shouldn't be celebrating them alone. This Samhain I intended to celebrate with the kids, but they're only 4 and 3 and my husband wasn't comfortable with that holiday, so I simply did some things by myself. I don't want to be by myself in this. I wish I had a mentor, someone who could teach me, could help me learn and understand.
I suppose what I'm asking for here is advice. Are any of you, or have any of you, been in this position before? Or any part of this situation? Am I truly alone? What did you do if you have been here?
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